Luke 6:36-37- Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful. (37) “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven;


Well I called my mother today, as I have been struggling with forgiveness and needed to ask her to forgive me, I am trying to move closer to God and I believe that this was the one big obstacle in my way. I had been holding on to past hurts and mistakes, failures, just all those things that people had done that to me and the fleshly mind make perfect sense to be angry at or with, but I knew that one if I didn't let go of this that I would not move forward with God, and that I needed to not only give it all to him but leave it there, (leave the past in the past), I had done that but I needed to ask my mother who removed me from her life months back for her own reasons. So I had tried to call a few times before on different days, but there was no answer and I did not want to leave a message as it didn't seem appropriate. I had prayed to God for the strength to do what I knew I had to do in order to receive His forgiveness, and to protect me from myself and my fleshly reactions to her negativity if she did answer and act in the way she always had in the past ( which is cold, and emotionless). But I moved past that and with faith that He would be my portion of whatever I needed in this conversation, and after that, I dialed the number and there was no answer, I cried because I had a conversation with God or maybe myself just before I called and I said that if she answered that it would be in God's will for me to call, and if not then it wasn't, how ridiculous, it is always in God's will to forgive and ask for forgiveness, so I tried again.

"Hello", a groggily, heavy voice said on the other end of the phone, " Hello?, I said," "hello, ( it was my mom), " Hi mom, how are you? " "I'm sick today * cough cough*, ( she said in a short and blunt way), I took a few deep breaths and stopped myself from tearing up or pouring out, and continued on to what I had to do,
" what's up? " she said, "nothing everything is fine, the reason I am calling is because I wanted to tell you how much I love you, and to ask you for forgiveness for the pain I might have caused, and anything I have done wrong to you in the past", " oh yeah, she said, and then in a harsh manner, her voice changed and almost with bitter hatred, she said " I can forgive you Melissa, BUT ( oh how I detest buts, its like giving me a plate of delicious food and then as i got to taste you take it back) but you always do the same thing again"....I wanted so badly to ask what that was as if your not doing what she wants she puts you out, I knew that really she should have been asking me for forgiveness more than me( i did have my share of wrongs), but I just carried on and said "yes mom, and I'm sorry, we are human and that is what we do Make Mistakes,...I'm not asking you to be apart of my life if you don't want to, I just want your forgiveness" "umhum she mumbles" and then silence...my mind racing, disturbed by the fact that my own mother would not have her heart breaking for her child to be begging her for forgiveness, but rather she was rushing the conversation with no interest at all and even less emotion. " Well mom, again I hope you can truly forgive me, that is all I wanted to say" " yea", she said in a cold kind of way. " Well then, take care of yourself, I love you Mom."
" Yea, she said again." "bye mom" Bye. I hung up the phone my heart still on the other end, torn out, and I fell to my knees where I stood and asked God to forgive her, as all I could think of was the Lord's prayer "forgive me my trespasses, as I forgive those who trespass against me. ( If I only say I forgive but in my heart of heart can not then He wont forgive me) I know my mom doesn't forgive herself and that doesn't allow her to forgive others.

Then I argued a moment with the devil, as I knew he was just waiting in the midst to use my pain as an outlet to take my blessing of today away and toy with my emotions.

FORGIVENESS. What a wonder, what a great and marvelous thing, it liberates us when we can forgive. It along side Love is a staple to live, and in fact I believe that If you cant forgive you cant know love, the love that God gives.

Today I completed my test, I have completely let go of my past, as Paul says ...but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14.

I forgive my mother and accept God's forgiveness and I have also learned to forgive myself, without that I couldn't move forward. I am so thankful for the word of God, for His unconditional Love, and His continuous mercy, and His grace that keeps me. I am thankful, that I can find peace in Him, and know that He hears my prayers, and catches my tears and cries with me, He is my comfort, my strength, the very air I breath. Without Him I would be nothing, and go nowhere, I would never have been able to make that call and end so peacefully without His gentle guidance. And if it weren't for the one promise that he makes I wouldn't be able to accept the fact that in essence my mother has abandoned me. “When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me.” (Psalm 27:1) His arm is not to short.

I feel so much lighter the weight lifted off and given to the only one who can and will take it from me. Thank you Lord thank you.

So in the Name of Jesus Christ, I pray that the Lord touch my mother and help her to change to forgive to love and to see Him, and to become as He is, as He is love.

“When You said, “Seek My face,” my heart said to You, “Your face, Lord, I will seek” (Psalm 27:8)