Coming Home !!!!

Yesterday i spent a bit at the hospital for the first time since Isiah has been in there last tuesday morning, He looked much better, considering he was near comatose when he arrived at the hospital.
We had a meeting with the head nephrologist, Dr. Filler, he wanted to talk to me about the condition isiah was in and what the test from the biopsy tell them.
It was a lot of information to take in, and to remember, but all that mattered to me was that isiah was alive, safe, and much more healthy than he was when he went in there.

Today, my little man will come home, to the place that is now estranged to him, to his brothers and sister, whom he misses so very much, and of course me. I am so excited, but yet so scared for him, what if he gets sick again like that, it happend so fast, so very fast, i have no help, their father, well he isnt there unless it is convienient for himself, that is why i had to spend a whole week with Isiah in the hospital and didnt even get to see him but once for an hour.

Everything in my life will have to change from this day forward, I am alone, yes i have someone that loves me, but ultimately i am alone, no one to help, the ones that are there to help well they say there are but when you really need them, its a different story. Funny how life works. So we will move on, alone, and only stronger, we will fight this disease that is trying to take over my son, and with GOD's will we will muscle it out of him.

We can do this baby and we will. Many people are praying for you, for us, people that "care" and we will get through this.

Where am i going?

Last night was interesting, i had much on my mind, was to be expected with all the information i took in from the doctors about isiah, and wonder with Jose. The kids are all still sick and so am I but we are getting better, something to be positive about i suppose.

I was in a mood, i guess, a strange, unfair one, some would say, i dont mean to take out my frusterations on others and certainly dont want to, i guess we all fail to realize we do this sometimes, and get to a point were things seem so bad, and out of control that we dont even care.

Jose came to see me last night, not sure if it was such a great idea, although i wanted badly to have his touch, and warmth with me, It was quite interesting, many things came out, things i supposed should have long ago, but this just might have been the right time. My thoughts quickly switched from worry for my little man, to devistation, and fear for the unknown. He revealed something to me that he obviously didnt want to have to say, but wanted to say. Can i see myself, apart? Yes i want to be, for him, for us. I want something fresh and new, but i am afraid of the unknown who isn't.
This thing we call life, so strange and unpredictable, so unfair at times, but yet so fullfilling as well. I find myself wanting so much, but feeling so unsatisfied, not getting enough, is it just me, and not knowing what it is i really need, although i want him in my life, i want to marry this man, but yet i always seem to find away to push him farther away, make him feel the doubts that i am so afraid he will feel, and try hard not make him not feel, and on the other hand i succeed in making him feel.

What a rollercoaster.

I ask myself, does he love me unconditonally? Do we put conditions on true love? I dont, but that is just me, am i stuck in my own warped mind, not letting someone else in. I feel it, the love he has, but im not 100% sure it is unconditonal, he says he's not looking for perfection, im far from perfect, and even farther from what he expects of me right now. I want this to work, but where do i start, I am a unknown specimen right now to most, on his side, and it sucks. I want the world to know how i love this man, but i am a secret. WHY? There i go asking the famous "why", and really i get answeres but there never satisfying to me. Love is love, it should not be hidden. Simple.

Well we will see what today brings, hopefully i dont have a major meltdown like the one i had more than once yesterday, so not necessary for anyone else to see, that's for sure, but they just come, and take over. I am an emotional, overly emotional, time bomb, always waiting to have a melt down.

Jose will bring the boys ( his boys) today, he said he will, we will see. I want to see them, maybe i need this. I feel them apart of me, and i dont even know them, how weird, is it because i love their father to no end, i dont know, but it feels good. Im excited, i hope it all works out.

Sick again!

I've spent this past two weeks in and out of the hospital with my Isiah, sick again, it was last Friday evening Jose and I rushed him to the emergency because he had gone into relapse ( with his nephrotic syndrome) and started swelling really bad, thank god we did. We sat waiting patiently so it seemed to the ones looking in, for 5 1/2 hours in the triage care room, they took blood, inserted an IV into my little man, and started him on some albumin, it was really low, so they tell us " he's going to be admitted for the night", jose stayed with us the entire time, with worry and care, intense emotion in his eyes until the very second they transferred us up to Isiah's assigned room. By now it is 1:45 am, i am so very tired, in desperate need of a stress reliever, but i have to get my little man settled, well as settled as possible, in the dirty, cold room we were placed in, but he slept. I went for air, i cried and cried, i prayed, and cried some more, then i went back up to the seventh floor and made my bed for the night, placed snug beside my little man's bed, and the window, Never would have thought he would be back again in just two days, but it was to be expected we "were" in a hospital ( full of live germs), i left the next morning with my baby, he was much better, almost a different person, my Isiah, and me, well i had a new growth on my lip, the beginning of the next trip back. Saturday night i have a huge sore and my throat itches, suddenly my nose runs, and well im sick, then diego's sick , almost instantly, then of course Isiah has caught the virus we picked up from the "safe haven" and well there we are monday night Isiah's up all night vomiting, feverish, not well at all, by morning he was starting to scare me, i knew he needed to be back at the hospital, But i couldnt take him, I was sick, so Omar had to, a little envious i am, he's my baby, they need their mommy's, and i couldnt be there for him. Four long, hard, emotionaly draining days pass, the first few were spent with me lying on my sofa wishing i would die, due to me being overwhelmed by this virus, finally by day two i was able to move and clean the house and cook something, Today, day four is the day my little man has his kidney biopsy, 8 am, i kneel down and pray 8 am sharp, pray to god to watch over him, and keep him safe, whisper in his ear i love him, and i wish i was there, He made it out safe and sound, and is doing just fine, my little trooper. Now they tell me, he's going to have to stay until Monday, my god a whole week in that place, a whole week without seeing my baby, are we being punished, he's suffering and i cant be with him, not for me but for him. Funny how life works. Im trying to be positive about the drawn out stay at this place, but i want him home safe in my arms, i want to look in his eyes and tell him i love him. But instead i sit at home of course caring for my other babies, but wishing i was with the one whom needed me the most. Jose spent the last two days with us, so refreshing, to actually have someone who cares, whom in my eyes would carry the sun on his back if it meant to help someone, that's just the way he is. Im so grateful for him, the kids love him, and hey so do I.
So another day dies down, alone this night, unfortunately, i cant always have what i want, so needless to say it will be much harder tonight than the last two, but im sure i will survive. Isiah, he rests his little head in a now familiar place, but not one im sure he wants to be.