Where am i going?

Last night was interesting, i had much on my mind, was to be expected with all the information i took in from the doctors about isiah, and wonder with Jose. The kids are all still sick and so am I but we are getting better, something to be positive about i suppose.

I was in a mood, i guess, a strange, unfair one, some would say, i dont mean to take out my frusterations on others and certainly dont want to, i guess we all fail to realize we do this sometimes, and get to a point were things seem so bad, and out of control that we dont even care.

Jose came to see me last night, not sure if it was such a great idea, although i wanted badly to have his touch, and warmth with me, It was quite interesting, many things came out, things i supposed should have long ago, but this just might have been the right time. My thoughts quickly switched from worry for my little man, to devistation, and fear for the unknown. He revealed something to me that he obviously didnt want to have to say, but wanted to say. Can i see myself, apart? Yes i want to be, for him, for us. I want something fresh and new, but i am afraid of the unknown who isn't.
This thing we call life, so strange and unpredictable, so unfair at times, but yet so fullfilling as well. I find myself wanting so much, but feeling so unsatisfied, not getting enough, is it just me, and not knowing what it is i really need, although i want him in my life, i want to marry this man, but yet i always seem to find away to push him farther away, make him feel the doubts that i am so afraid he will feel, and try hard not make him not feel, and on the other hand i succeed in making him feel.

What a rollercoaster.

I ask myself, does he love me unconditonally? Do we put conditions on true love? I dont, but that is just me, am i stuck in my own warped mind, not letting someone else in. I feel it, the love he has, but im not 100% sure it is unconditonal, he says he's not looking for perfection, im far from perfect, and even farther from what he expects of me right now. I want this to work, but where do i start, I am a unknown specimen right now to most, on his side, and it sucks. I want the world to know how i love this man, but i am a secret. WHY? There i go asking the famous "why", and really i get answeres but there never satisfying to me. Love is love, it should not be hidden. Simple.

Well we will see what today brings, hopefully i dont have a major meltdown like the one i had more than once yesterday, so not necessary for anyone else to see, that's for sure, but they just come, and take over. I am an emotional, overly emotional, time bomb, always waiting to have a melt down.

Jose will bring the boys ( his boys) today, he said he will, we will see. I want to see them, maybe i need this. I feel them apart of me, and i dont even know them, how weird, is it because i love their father to no end, i dont know, but it feels good. Im excited, i hope it all works out.